What do I even want to write?

I wouldn’t normally classify myself as a writer, I just think… a lot, all the time. When I was in High School I would think of myself more as a creator, and I still do. In 12th grade in an English class at the last portion of the school year before graduating, we all had to write about what we thought the point of life was; I said that my point in life was to make things, that’s what I’ve been doing all my life. Now my view has shifted somewhat, I don’t need to make things to bring value. To me the point of life is to simply experience it. To watch it go by and be thoughtful, and to not forget to engage with it.

Being a writer is the career I want, no hourly pay, I can generally work on my own time, and most importantly I can share my ideas. I struggle with deciding which ones are worth sharing though. I am fascinated by geopolitics and history, and I have many ideas for books or series I can write inspired by these interests. I also am quite an introspective person. I am always second guessing actions on whether or not they will hurt others, or if they will have a net positive on the world. However sometimes I act selfishly (who doesn’t). I think this has caused me to think over many aspects of my life and my experiences that I can translate well into writing.

It is hard to put into words but whenever I think about writing something I have a thought right afterwards asking if I even should. Will anyone even read it? Is what I’m writing morally wrong? Will it lead to bad things happening? Will it suck? Am I being egotistical for thinking anyone would even want to read what I write? The logical part of me says, “Maybe. Most likely not. Most likely not. Maybe”, and to the last one, “That doesn’t even really make sense.” After I get over the stupid unfounded moral quandaries I have over writing something, and after I sit down and open a word processor two things happen.

1. I know exactly what I want to say but I cannot formulate the way in which I want to say it and if it’s a story, I don’t fully understand the point my story is trying to make and if it even has to have a point.
2. I have know idea what I really want to say but I start writing anyways and at the end I have written something of a collage of ideas with loose connections that to me make sense. (My English teacher in high school, Mr. K, would call this ‘word diarrhea’ or something to that effect.)

The first is the hardest to get over. I have dozens of ideas for stories and I have no idea how to actualize them, they exist as mere concepts that I build upon and return to and don’t ever realize. The second one is the easiest as it just sort of happens, but it can produce results that can make little to no sense to some readers.

I also struggle with whether or not I should tackle dark subjects. I find myself gravitating towards dark subject matter when I consume media about certain topics (wars, political groups, crimes, history) but it can be hard for me to imagine associating myself with discussions of such things in a more official manner. However I have so many story ideas that I’m gonna have to get over this hang up.

I think I contemplate the purpose of my writing when what I really should be doing is just writing. No great author had their entire bibliography laid out in a master plan years or decades beforehand, they simply just amassed a collection of disparate writings. One of my favorite authors, Ray Bradbury, only wrote a handful of novels, most of his stories are actually short stories. All of them feel like they were written in the spur of a moment in reaction to a sudden idea or realization that came to him. I think that is the sort of thing I should shoot for in order to get my writing going.